Someone you love dies. A friend reaches out and says, "I didn't want to bring it up in case it made you sad." They meant well. They almost always do. But here is what that message communicates: your grief is too much to handle. Bringing it up will make it worse. You probably weren't thinking about it before I said something, and now I've ruined it. None of that is true. And yet we say versions of it all the time.
The Lie We Were Taught
From a very young age, most of us were taught that discomfort is dangerous. That if something hurts, we should move away from it. That a good friend protects you from pain rather than sitting inside it with you. We say things like: "I didn't want to upset you;" "I didn't want to bring up bad memories;" "I didn't want to make you cry." We dress avoidance up as kindness, and underneath it, we are really saying one of two things: "I don't think you can handle this," or "I can't handle it if you get emotional in front of me." It is discomfort and avoidance wrapped in a caring tone.
What Avoidance Actually Does
Here is what I have seen, both in the research and in the therapy room: avoiding pain does not make it smaller, it keeps it exactly where it is. When we stop talking about someone who died, we don't protect the grieving person. We isolate them. We send the message that their loss is something to be managed quietly rather than carried openly. We take away one of the most powerful tools in the healing process: being witnessed. Grief is dynamic, shifting, and deeply personal. Some days the loss feels fresh even years later, some days it doesn't. What helps people move through it is not avoiding the pain, but building a new relationship with it. A new narrative. A new meaning. That process requires leaning in, not away.
We Are Socially Trained to Do the Opposite of What Helps
The problem is bigger than grief. We live in a culture that treats discomfort as failure. A culture that values "good vibes only," tells people to stay positive, look on the bright side, and not dwell. What we are really saying is, "I care about you, but I do not know how to be with you in this pain." This is how avoidance becomes a social norm, and it is exactly why so many people struggle. Avoiding fear does not make fear smaller. It makes fear louder. Every time we sidestep something uncomfortable, we teach our nervous system that it was worth avoiding. Fear grows, and the world shrinks.
What Courage Builds
Therapists have a name for what happens when you stop avoiding. It is called inhibitory learning, and it is the reason exposure-based therapies work. The brain does not learn safety by being told something is safe, it learns by experiencing it directly. You cannot always think your way out of fear. Sometimes you need to walk through it. This is the foundation of Exposure and Response Prevention therapy. Clients are guided to face the very things that feel unbearable, not because suffering is the goal, but because tolerance is built through contact. Every exposure is a vote for a bigger life. Every time you stay in the discomfort instead of escaping it, your nervous system recalibrates. The same principle applies outside the therapy room. When a friend asks how you are really doing after a loss and stays present when the answer is hard, that is an exposure. When you say the name of the person who died out loud and let yourself feel it, that is an exposure. When you stop pretending you are fine and let someone actually see you, that is an exposure. Over time, what feels unbearable becomes something you can carry. Not because the pain disappears, but because you discover you are stronger than you thought.
Leaning Into Growth
Real healing is not about going back to who you were before. It is about becoming someone who carries things differently when you feel it instead of outrunning it. Not without weight, but with more space around it. That is what meaning-making looks like, not an answer to the pain, but a different relationship with it. That starts with someone being willing to bring it up, to ask the hard question, to sit with you while you answer it. It starts with choosing presence over comfort. And sometimes, it starts with a therapist who understands that healing is not about feeling better. It is about getting better at feeling. If you or someone you love is struggling with grief, anxiety, OCD, or the weight of unprocessed pain, Pillars of Wellness provides evidence-based, values-driven care across Northwest Indiana and Chicagoland. info@pillarsinspires.com | (219) 323-3311 | pillarsinspires.com
Related Articles
- Therapy Does Not Have to Look Like Two People Staring at Each Other - Jessi Kiefor, MA, LMHC, NCC
- Your Dermatologist Might Be the First Person to Notice Your OCD - Jessi Kiefor, MA, LMHC, NCC
- I'm Successful But Exhausted: Understanding High-Functioning Anxiety in Your Career - Miranda Sims, LMHC-A
- Understanding Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors (BFRBs) in Children - Ruby Koontz, LMHC-A
- What to Expect During a Mental Health Intake: A Guide for New Clients - Koree Binder, MA, LMHC, NCC
- Who Really Am I? Identity, Values and Sexuality Explored Through an ACT Lens - Sarah Herbert, LMHC-A
- Secondary Trauma and Media Exposure: What BIPOC Communities and Clinicians Are Carrying Right Now - Alexa Zapata, MSW, LSW
- Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month - Nicole De Young, LMHC-A
