A Note Before You Read

This post aims to offer perspectives on emotional abuse within a parent-child relationship. The experiences and insights shared are a few viewpoints and may differ from your own. I write this in hopes that you find comfort or relief in knowing you are not alone. It is painful to come to terms with the experience of emotional abuse and dissecting it from one’s identity. The reflections below showcase the lessons, impact, and messaging that comes into awareness when one becomes an adult. If you relate to these experiences, know that your feelings and pain are valid. The following experiences are a composite of a couple of different stories, shared anonymously. These were the themes that were most prominent.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Parsing out emotional abuse can be quite difficult as it is not what typically comes to mind when one pictures abuse. It includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This can consist of insults, constant monitoring, manipulation, and dismissiveness. It can wear down a person’s sense of self and confidence. This makes it difficult to feel sure of oneself when someone is constantly demeaning and dismissing you, resulting in second-guessing yourself. This is especially true when the abuser is someone you love and want to think well of. Below are the reflections of a couple anonymous stories shared about their experiences of emotional abuse in regard to their parents.

Messages of Abuse and Family

Messages from society about parents revolved around their unconditional love and care for their children. Typical examples of abuse were depicted as easy to identify, such as signs of physical abuse, acting out, or unkempt. None of those things applied, so the idea of being a victim was never considered. There was no imminent danger or fear of physical harm, food was provided, and basic hygiene was managed; this was considered “safe” -even though, emotionally, there was constant turmoil.

Emotional Abuse

Insults, criticisms, and taunts were normalized. In the midst of it all, there were small glimpses of kind words that you clung to. Due to the messaging received about parents, the belief that deep down they cared resulted in them getting the benefit of doubt. Having to always take into account their feelings, anticipating mood led to being a people pleaser and pushing your own needs to meet theirs. You were never sure what would be okay and not okay, what they liked and didn’t. Any decisions that were made were criticized and you were always compared to other kids, always needed to be better. There was always minimization, denial, and blame. So, you were left to shoulder shame and guilt from a very young age. Even though this was the norm, there were also fun times and good memories which would cancel out everything else.

Isolation

Identifying emotional abuse was difficult due to being hidden from the ways of the world. The opportunity to observe a healthy family interaction where they do not speak to each other in insults even in arguments wasn’t given. Going to after school activities or seeing friends was banned, so all that was known was home and the assumption it was normal.

Anxiety linked to Parents

A phone call or message still triggers anxiety. Instead of feeling comfort, there is dread. Seeing their name or hearing their voice elicited panic. There was no consistency, so you were left with anxiety and confusion. Holidays such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day are complicated. Honoring them led to this pang of jealousy for those who truly had loving, supportive parents. There was grief for the love that was never received.

A Note to Readers:

The themes above shed light on the process of awareness that becomes more apparent as one becomes an adult. Growing up, it seems every family is like this until the glass shatters when one finally comes to find others may not have the same experiences as them. One’s sense of self can become distorted and as an adult there is careful dissection of who you are from the person you were told you are. It can be exhausting work. Despite the hardship, you are strong. You are whole. You are good. You are healing.