It might be the small things you notice. A friend pulling back from holiday plans. A coworker getting quiet when people talk about family traditions. Someone you care about staring off or seeming distant. These moments are easy to miss, but they can be signs that someone is carrying more than they are letting on. If you know someone who is grieving, it’s normal to feel unsure about what to say or how to be there for them. You might worry about saying the wrong thing or making things harder. The truth is that you don’t need the perfect words. Your presence can matter more than anything. Here are some ways to support a grieving loved one during the holiday season.
Understand That Grief Doesn’t Follow a Timeline
Grief does not wrap up neatly after a year or even several years. It shifts and changes, sometimes getting lighter and sometimes getting heavier again. Think of it like standing in the ocean. Some waves you see coming. Other waves build without your awareness, knocking you off your feet. The holidays can bring up memories and emotions people do not expect. Someone who seems “fine” in daily life may feel more irritable, quiet, or emotional during this time. These reactions are often tied to triggers. Triggers are reminders you did not ask for, like a smell, a song, or a familiar tradition that suddenly brings up a wave of emotion. They can feel like setbacks, but experiencing and acknowledging them is actually part of moving forward. As a friend or family member, let them feel whatever they feel. Simply recognizing that this season might be hard can be incredibly validating.
What to Say (and What Not to Say)
People sometimes avoid mentioning the loss because they are afraid of making things worse. But acknowledging it can be far more comforting than ignoring it. Helpful things to say:
- “I’m thinking of you today.”
- “I’m here if you want company, even quiet company.”
- “It’s okay to feel however you feel this holiday.”
Short, honest statements often land better than long explanations. Try to avoid:
- “They’re in a better place.”
- “Try to think about the positives.”
- “Come, it will cheer you up.”
Even well-meant phrases like these can feel minimizing. It is more supportive to leave room for whatever emotions come up.
Support Them Without Pressure and Respect Their Boundaries
Support should feel gentle and flexible. Let your loved one know they are welcome at holiday gatherings, and also let them know it is completely okay if they decline, leave early, or change their mind. Grief can make energy and emotions unpredictable, and plans that feel manageable one day may feel overwhelming the next. If they choose not to participate in certain traditions or decide to skip events altogether, try not to take it personally. Their choices are not a reflection of how they feel about you. They are simply doing what they can handle in that moment. Trust that they know their limits better than anyone else. Respecting their boundaries and giving them room to say “yes,” “no,” or “not today” helps them feel understood and cared for.
Practical Ways to Be Supportive
We all fall into saying phrases such as “Let me know if you need anything”. The reality of the situation is, those that are grieving may not know what they need or feel guilty asking for support. Small acts of care can make a big difference. You might:
- send a simple check-in text
- help with errands, meals, or childcare
- offering to ride together to a gathering (or leave early with them)
- sit with them without trying to fix anything
Sometimes a quiet presence is the most comforting support you can give.
Honor Their Loved One (If They Want To)
Some people find comfort in honoring or remembering their loved one. Others do not want to go there right now. Follow their lead. If they are open to it, you could:
- light a candle
- share a favorite story
- bake a recipe connected to their loved one
- set out a photo
- create a tradition that feels comforting
Always check in before doing anything. What helps one person can overwhelm another.
When to Encourage Professional Support
Everyone grieves differently, but sometimes talking to a therapist can offer extra support. Approach the topic gently. Signs someone may need additional help include:
- difficulty functioning day-to-day
- ongoing hopelessness or guilt
- withdrawing from everyone
- major changes in sleep or appetite
If you are unsure how to bring it up, you might say, “I care about you, and I wonder if talking to a therapist could help you have more support right now.” If you encourage a loved one to seek additional support, Pillars of Wellness has compassionate therapists who can help them navigate their grief in a safe and supportive space. Professional support can make a meaningful difference, especially during the holiday season when emotions often feel heavier. Stay tuned for our upcoming Grief Program, which will offer a structured and supportive way for individuals to process their loss and feel less alone.
Your Presence Matters More Than Perfect Words
You do not need the right speech or a flawless response. You do not need to take their pain away. Showing up consistently, compassionately, and without pressure can be one of the most meaningful gifts you offer someone during a hard season.
