Bonding With Your Baby: Why It’s Not Always Instant and What You Can Do
By: Dr. Brianna Henning, DSW, LCSW | PILLARS OF WELLNESS
When beginning the journey into parenthood, many parents envision what pregnancy will look like, how labor and delivery will go, and what life will be like once they bring their baby home. This is especially true for mothers. Many spend time imagining each trimester, creating a birth plan, and thinking about what bonding with their baby will feel like. Unfortunately, what they envision does not always become reality.
Many mothers do not experience the immediate, overwhelming bond with their baby that is often portrayed in media or discussed by others. For some, that connection develops gradually over time. When this happens, mothers may wonder if they are doing something wrong. So, why does this happen? Why do some mothers not experience that immediate bond?
What Can Affect the Bonding Process?
Author Ayo Ayeni (2023), writing for a Postpartum Support International (PSI) article, highlights several factors that may contribute to delayed bonding with a baby. One significant factor is the presence of perinatal mental health conditions, which can occur during pregnancy or after childbirth. Common conditions include anxiety disorders, depression, and postpartum psychosis.
The Postpartum Den (2026) also discusses how these conditions can affect a mother’s ability to bond with her baby. From feeling emotionally numb or disconnected to experiencing constant worry, worst-case-scenario thinking, or a persistent sense of doom, these challenges can make it difficult to form that early connection. Both articles also note that a traumatic birth experience or having a baby admitted to the NICU can affect bonding. Mothers may feel disconnected from their bodies after a traumatic delivery, while early separation from their baby can interrupt the bonding process.
The Role of Emotional Burnout
Another important factor is emotional burnout. Sleep deprivation, feeling overwhelmed, and having little time or energy to care for yourself are incredibly common during the postpartum period, especially for mothers. When you’re simply focused on meeting your baby’s needs and making it through each day, developing an emotional connection may feel more difficult. While these are some of the more common reasons bonding may take time, every mother’s experience is unique, and there are many factors that can influence this process. So, what are some ways to help promote bonding with your baby?
Ways to Strengthen the Bond With Your Baby
Both PSI author Ayo Ayeni and expert Dr. Dotun Ogunyemi offer several helpful suggestions. One recommendation is skin-to-skin contact, which encourages the release of oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone,” while also helping regulate a baby’s body temperature, heart rate, and breathing. Breastfeeding is another activity that may help some mothers feel closer to their babies. However, if breastfeeding is not possible or is not the right choice for your family, that is completely okay. There are many other meaningful ways to build a strong bond.
Intentional everyday interactions can also strengthen the parent-child relationship. Talking to your baby, singing, giving gentle infant massages, making eye contact, reading books together, or simply spending quiet time together are all opportunities to nurture connection. Over time, these consistent, positive interactions can deepen a mother’s bond with her baby.
You Are Not Alone
Many mothers feel pressure to experience an immediate connection with their baby, but that, simply, is not everyone’s experience. These authors note that approximately 1 in 5 mothers do not feel that instant bond after birth. They also emphasize that bonding is a process that develops and deepens over time.
If you do not feel immediately bonded with your baby, or if your relationship doesn’t look like what you see portrayed in movies, social media, or other forms of media, you are not alone. Bonding is not measured by one moment, it is built through countless moments of love, care, and connection over time.
References
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. (n.d.). Bonding with your newborn: Here’s what to know if you don’t feel connected right away. https://www.acog.org/womens-health/experts-and-stories/the-latest/bonding-with-your-newborn-heres-what-to-know-if-you-dont-feel-connected-right-away
Postpartum Support International. (2023, December 13). Mother-infant bonding: It’s not always instant. https://postpartum.net/mother-infant-bonding-its-not-always-instant/
The Postpartum Den. (2026, March 18). Bonding with your baby: It’s not always instant. https://thepostpartumden.com/how-protecting-the-mother-baby-bond-supports-maternal-mental-health/
If you or someone you know could benefit from support, Pillars of Wellness is here to help. Our Maternal Mental Health team provides compassionate, evidence-based care for individuals navigating pregnancy, postpartum, and the emotional complexities of early parenthood. Please visit pillarsinspires.com or call (219) 323-3311 for more information or to schedule an intake. Most insurances are accepted.